I know a man whose school could never teach him patriotism, but who acquired that virtue when he felt in his bones the vastness of his land, and the greatness of those who founded it. - Pierre Elliott Trudeau (FromExhaustion and Fulfillment: The Ascetic in a Canoe, 1944; also cited in Pierre Elliott Trudeau: Why He Paddled by Jamie Benidickson, pp. 54-59, from Kanawa, Fall 2001.)
Dear Canadian Nature,
You are an essential part of what makes Canada "Canada". You are also spectacular and breath-taking. Everyone says so. I think that to be Canadian, we must experience you and your wildness. To be a Canadian is to have a connection to the land, to nature, to the Great Canadian Wilderness. You are part of our national imagination!
So, on the eve of Canada Day, I thought I would reach out and say hi. I would like to get to know you better. Lots of people I know are camping this weekend or are up at their cottages. But I am more of an urbanite. Still, I am the daughter of a farmer and I love the farm. I adore animals. So I really do want to get to know you better. Any recommendations about how I can do this?
Yours truly,
TM
P.S. Do you prefer Canadian Nature or Canadian Wilderness?
Dear TM,
Thank you for your kind words. I am rather glorious, aren't I? I shouldn't boast, though. It is not very Canadian at all. So, I'll just say, "what, these mountains? Oh, they're nothing, really. Just the result of plate tectonic activity from millions of years ago. Who wants to see stuff from the Precambrian era, anyway?"
Anyhoo, about your questions, first, I can tell that you must be from Ontario. Upper and Lower Canadians have "cottages". Westerners have cabins. Easterners have shacks that I routinely destroy in my fits of climatic rage. Ontario is nice. Have you see my Great Lakes? Perhaps you could take a hike somewhere so that we can get better acquainted.
Also, you can call me "Great Canadian Wilderness".
Yours in gloriousness,
Great Canadian Wilderness
Dear Great Canadian Wilderness,
You are correct! I live in Toronto and so, I have seen Lake Ontario. My family used to vacation on Georgian Bay, so I also have seen Lake Huron. I've also seen Lake Michigan, but it doesn't count because it is in the U.S..
In terms of this hike-thing, how "hike-y" are we talking here? Can we stay on a paved pathway? I would also be okay with a wood walkway and maybe gravel, as long as the grass, weeds, and bushes don't leak too much onto the pathway. I don't like to touch that stuff. I have a distinct memory of standing in a patch of weeds as a four year old and being too terrified to move because of the all the pokey plants around me. My Dad had to come to rescue me. So if we could avoid close encounters with pokey plants and branches, I would appreciate that.
Yours truly,
TM
Dear TM,
Do you know what's cute? You guys call the uplands "mountains". You know, the Blue Mountains? They're not mountains. I also think it is cute that Toronto is considered to be "central Ontario" even though it is not geographically the centre of Ontario. Then again, it does not bode well for your ability to read a map and navigate, now does it? How will you find your way around Canada if you can't even properly locate central Ontario in the centre of Ontario? But I digress.
Your experience on a farm should have tipped me off that you might have difficulty coping with me. Farms are contained nature: the land and animals are domesticated; there are fences; you work the land; you have a sense of ownership. But I cannot be owned. I cannot be contained. I am the True North Strong and Free!
I don't think that our relationship is going to work out. Sorry.
Yours in gloriousness,
The True North Strong And Free
Dear True North,
I know that there will be challenges in our relationship. Take for example the fact that I am allergic to most of what you have to offer: grass, trees, plants, animals...And then there is my long-abiding fear of pokey weeds and plants. Also, I don't like to get my hands very dirty.
Part of this is your fault, you know. Why do you have so many insects?! Seriously! The mosquitoes and black flies just descend on me and eat me alive. Then I swell up. It's not pleasant. And don't even get me started on your lack of proper bathroom facilities. Plus, you play tricks on me while I am using the facilities you do provide. I'm outside, peeing in the great outdoors and then the wind blows and rustles the bushes. I thought there was a bear! I was mid-stream when I turned and looked for the "bear". Peed all over my shorts, undies, shoes and socks. Only there wasn't a bear. Just the wind and some bushes. Ha ha. Funny trick. Now I have a phobia of peeing outside.
Still, I am willing, as a Canadian, to try. I am willing to make an effort to meet you half-way. So, True North, what do you say?
Yours truly,
TM
Dear Pee-Pee Pants,
Okay, you have to admit that the "rustle the bushes" thing is funny! It's not my fault that you jumped to the irrational conclusion that it was a bear. You were in Halton Hills, for crying out loud! "Camping" in a farmer's field! I should add, for context, you were "camping" in a field to celebrate the end of high school with a friend and a bottle of vodka. There is a take-away lesson, though. Never turn mid-stream, even if you think there is a bear.
Look, kid, we might not be cut out for each other. But if you want to come for a visit, I suppose that would be all right. I'm not promising to be civil in terms of the weather or the geography. I can't change my nature.
[See what I did there: can't change my nature. I'm nature. My sense of humour is as vast as the Canadian Prairies, only not as flat.]
So come on by sometime. We'll do a hike or something. Bring a change of underwear, just in case.
Yours in gloriousness, I remain
The True North Strong And Free
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