The Dr. T Loyalty Program

Dear [Insert Store Name here],

Thank you for your interest in signing me up for your loyalty program.  I am honoured.  It seems that I am very popular since a number of stores have now asked me to sign up for their loyalty programs.  In light of my rising popularity, I have decided to create a "Dr. T Loyalty Program".

Benefits of the Dr. T Loyalty Program include:

• Periodic emails to tell you how I am doing (usually one every other day; nothing too excessive).
• Special pre-notification of when I have money to spend.
• Notification of special offers made my partners and friends.
• A promise to purchase goods and services from you, provided that you meet all required conditions.  [Conditions include (a) you must have exactly what I want; (b) you must offer to sell exactly what I want at a price that I deem acceptable; (c) it must be a Tuesday; (d) it must be partly cloudy; and (e) I have the unconditional right to change my mind at any time.]

If you join the Dr. T Loyalty Program, you can expect:

• to receive dozens of emails from me every month, telling you about the minutia of my life.
• personalized emails from me when you engage in unethical conduct.
• emailed photos of my cats.
• no guarantee of anything useful.

I know, I know.  It sounds too good to be true.  But it IS true, and it is FREE.  That's right.  All you have to do is provide me with your CEO's name, home telephone number, and email address, plus details about executive compensation and price mark-ups on consumer goods and services.  Also, I will track everything you do as a company, including where you source your products, business supplies, services, etc.  I will also track your environmental impact and your level of community engagement.  This information will allow me to serve you better by helping me determine how I should respond to you (e.g., should I buy your products or send you a scathing email explaining why your ethics, or lack thereof, has cost you my business).


 Oh, and you will have to have your membership card on you at all times.

Thank you for your interest in me.  I look forward to exchanging emails with you in the future.

Best regards,

Dr. T